Thursday, June 23, 2011

Autofill Thursday #3

Before I begin the third installment of what has become the most popular part of a blog that was meant for nothing of the sort, may I apologize again for missing last Thursday. I was off arguing with people over Democratic Intervention (that is linked for all the people who haven't seen my post about my most recent debate topic--read it and join the conversation!)

That said, let's begin. Today's Autofills stem from the question "What is the...?"

Question One: What is the Illuminati?
Answer One: If you want the real answer, go read Angels and Demons by...someone who I can't remember (and I can't Google it because my Google is filled with the questions of stupid people) DAN BROWN! That's who it is. Anyway, the Illuminati are a bunch of Italian creepsters--no, not the mafia, although you can see the resemblance--who go around terrorizing people in the name of archaic religion/satanism. I would reccommend that you avoid them, unless you're a satanist. In which case, please avoid my blog. Thanks!

Question Two: What is the significance of yellow stars?
Answer Two: When two stars love each other very much...they create a yellow star. The coloration of these extremely rare stars is from burning of excess potassium (it's why bananas are yellow, too). As to the significance, well...yellow stars are shown to those who need to stop watching the sky for signs of what to do. If you see a yellow star, its telling you to get off your toosh and LIVE, not watch a ball of potassium.

Question Three: What is the bill of rights?
Answer Three: Just for the sake of my own sanity, I'm going to assume that you're asking because you're testing the knowledge of Google, not because you are acutally this dumb. The bill of rights, as everyone knows, is the chief duck, who presides over the duck community. His bill is always right, and his word is law (well, actually it's 'only a bill')

Question Four: What is the function of RNA?
Answer Four: RNA is the quiet force driving color stability in the human body. Ever wonder why eating a banana doesn't make you look that much more yellow? That would be RNA--the Religiously Neutralizing Agent, which neutralizes all the color that flows into your body on a daily basis. Without RNA, we'd probably all be yellow stars.

Question Five: What is the difference between empathy and sympathy?
Answer Five: Okay never mind. Sidenote One: Why are these the top Googled questions? THESE ARE DUMB!
Real Answer Five: How could anyone get these confused? Sympathy is a straightforward emotion, demonstrated by "Oh, you sprained your ankle? How sad." Empathy, however, is much more complex. It would be more along the lines of "Oh, you sprained your ankle. Well SUCK IT UP!" You know, like empty. Empathy. Complete opposites.

Question Six: What is the name of Elvis Presley Home?
Answer Six: Well, that's not even a legitimate question, since Elvis Presley Home is not any thing that I am familiar with. If you are asking the name of Elvis Presley's home, the answer is Robert. But you might want to ask the Bill of Rights, just to make sure.

Question Seven: What is the mariana trench?
Answer Seven: Only the most delicious Italian dessert ever made! Deep-fried trenches covered in moist mariana topping, lightly sprinkled with decadent chocolate shavings and strawberrry drizzle. So good--available for a limited time at your local retailers.

Question Eight: What is the photoelectric effect?
Answer Eight: The photoelectric effect is the name of the most infamous camera in recorded history. First sighted in Delhi circa. 100 BC, this was the first attempt at scrapbooking. Of course, at this point in time Indians weren't widely known for their prowess as "Tech Support", and the Photoelectric Effect was a terrible failure. Taking a picture resulted in random bolts of lightning, which instantly killed the photogenic barbarians and any ducks in a fifty mile vicinity. Over the years, many have tried and failed to destroy the camera, which was last seen last month in Seoul. Attempts include: dropping it into the flames of Mordor (it's flame-retardant), stabbing it with a basilisk tooth (it's not a Horcrux), and being poisoned with nightlock (No, Claudius Templesmith didn't come to its rescue, but it is kind of hard to poison a camera) So next time your friends want a picture for Facebook of you doing something stupid, be warned. And stay away from ducks--except the Bill of Rights.

Question Nine: What is the speed of sound?
Answer Nine: 96,000,387,651,238,001 1/2 .7 mph (margaritas past hippopotamuses)

Now that that is out of the way, the LAST QUESTION!

Question Ten: What is the cloud?
Answer Ten: What is the cloud??? Umm, if we're talking a cloud, like puffy white stuff, look at last week's post. However, if by some miracle you actually intended to Google the insane question of "what is the cloud?" I suppose it's time we told you. The C.L.O.U.D. machine, or Closely Loosed Or Undoubtedly Dire Machine is the alien mothership. It currently hovers over Midland, Texas, U.S.A., and is the reason it never rains there (even while it floods a few miles north in the Midwest--or a couple thousand miles east/west in China). It's chief captain, MOGO--who happens to resemble a blue cupe about four and a half feet on each side--enjoys playing local pranks on high school English teachers while planning for the demise of the human race. Oh, and he has access to Google, believe it or not. I'd be careful what exactly you Google, if you value your life...or clothes.

That's all folks! Come back next week for more stupid questions, with even stupider (more stupid?) answers!

(Serious) Sidenote Two: The answer to the last question is not mine, but was actually told to us exactly like that by my semi-permanent AP English Language sub, Mrs. Sexton. She wore purple every day, and always had a new story about MOGO when we arrived to class. She recently passed away of a heart attack, so this is my Internet shout-out for one of the most entertaining high school teachers I have ever had. R.I.P. Mrs. Sexton.

With that having been said (ugh--ever since Latin I hate using perfect passive participles), leave your ideas for next week's installment in the comments below. If you have a question you want answered, please let me know, and I will give you a real answer (or a fake one, if you like them that much)

Until then...chao.

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