Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Heart Attack Grill

So, I'm in the middle of writing right now, when the realization struck me that I have been unfaithful to my (scant) followers! I have left you hanging, with no posts for days. So, I am taking a well-deserved break from my writing to bring you another story from my national debate trip.

The first night of the tournament, a huge street party was held in honor of all of us wonderful debaters. Walking by a restaurant on the corner of said street party, Arjun said, "Hey, my brother went there. He said it was awesome."

So, when eating time rolled around, we decided to trust Arjun's brother. He is, after all, an Indian (no racism, I promise. It's a debate joke--we all love Indians.) So we ventured inside the Heart Attack Grill.

This restaurant makes its profits on the premise that if you eat there every day for a year, you are guaranteed to have a heart attack. "Patients" (or guests) who weigh over 350 pounds eat free. They say trying to control your weight is hopeless, so you should just give up!

As we walked in, we were informed that we had to wear patient hospital gowns before we could enter. The waiters/waitresses were dressed up like doctors/nurses. With slight doubt beginning to blossom in our stomachs, we took our seats.

Then, we got the menu. Now, there are exactly five things on this menu. 1) a glass bottle of Coca Cola--the only drink available. 2) candy cigarettes--filtered and unfiltered. 3) French Fries--fried in lard. 4) a Buttercreamshake--made of pure cream (vanilla or chocolate) 5) a hamburger (single, double, triple, or quadruple)--with only tomatoes, onions, and bacon with the beef patty (and a quadruple comes with 20 slices of bacon)

At this point, we began to laugh. A milkshake made of cream? Candy cigaretts? This place was a joke. No way they were serious about this stuff. So I ordered a milkshake, and everyone else ordered a hamburger with fries and a Coke--or milkshakes, for some.

Then, the food came. My delicious chocolate milkshake had--floating on top--a square of butter. A square of butter? Okay, that was weird, but surely the rest of the milkshake would be normal, right? WRONG. One drink convinced me that this was something to be generously poured on a waffle, not to be treated as a glass of dessert drink. I made it through half of the sick concotion before I could simply take no more. We had been deceived.

Even a week after that place, I feel like my heart has to pump a little harder to keep my blood moving. Like I have to scrub extra hard to get the grease and nasty out of my system. Like I'm about to have a heart attack. So I guess, in a way, the Heart Attack Grill succeeded--but ew. If you're ever in Dallas, do NOT go to the Heart Attack Grill. Unless you weigh over 350 pounds.

What's the worst place you've ever eaten? I want to hear about it!


  1. That may be one of the most disturbing things I've ever heard...

    Worst place I've ever eaten was probably at an airport in Memphis at around 4:30 am, on my way back from Orlando (so not fun, Miami is the place to go if you're going to Florida). First thing that happened when I got off of the plane was this little old lady appearing out of nowhere and yelling at me in a super thick southern accent, but on account of the fact that it was 4:30 am and I'd been up since 2:30, I have no clue what she said. Then my aunt and I decided to get breakfast. Neither of us eat meat and, unfortunately, they are VERY fond of meat at the Memphis airport. Finally we found a restaurant that was a) open and b) had a few vegetarian options, and it was seasoned with about a pound and a half of salt. and the worst part was that we couldn't find a coffee shop anywhere! So to recap: we were stuck in Memphis at 4:30 am, just having gotten yelled at by an old lady, eating overly salted french fries for breakfast, and going through caffeine withdrawal. So it was mostly the situation that sucked, but trust me, the food was pretty horrible too.

  2. Oh that sounds...lovely. I generally just try to avoid airport food all the time. Unless it's ice cream or smoothies. Cause you can't really mess those up.


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