Thursday, June 9, 2011

Autofill Thursday #DOS!

So, after having procrastinated for hours on end (no literally, hours--check the blogosphere. I must have posted like six hundred comments in the hopes of finding more followers.) it is finally time for another installment of Autofill Thursday. Today's questions come from "Why is the...?" Bet you can't guess the first one ;)

Question number one: Why is the sky blue? (Yep, told you you couldn't guess it.)
Answer number one: There's a lot of different ways I could go with this. I could tell you the standard answer--chemicals and light and refractions and blllllllllluuuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhh. See, you fell asleep already. Which is kind of the idea. Or, I could tell you the truth, as inconvenient as it may be. The blue sky is made of tiny robots that infiltrate your mind and control your every thought. The robots aren't quite finished yet, though, and they make the sky appear blue. So...try not to breathe too deeply.

Question number two: Why is the ocean salty?
Answer number two: Uhh...because there's salt in it? That's probably the wrong question. The question you probably wanted was why is there salt in the ocean. And if that's the question you wanted to ask, the answer is this: salt makes everything last longer. Long ago, zen masters realized that they wanted water to last a long time (who wouldn't?) and so they put salt in the ocean. You laugh, but it's still here, isn't it?

Question number three: Why is the surface of Venus so hot?
Answer number three: Why is the surface of Earth so cold? No, I have a better question for you--why in the world (or universe, I guess) is this the third most question asked on Google beginning with "why is the...?" NOBODY CARES ABOUT VENUS! Why should we worry about why it's hot? But to answer your question, the same reason the sky is blue. Robots. They were an earlier prototype, so they overheated quickly. Guess we're all glad we decided to test them on Venus first.

Question number four: Why is the Mississippi River flooding?
Answer number four: Too much salt. The Zen masters might have misjudged just a tiny bit in the amount of preservatives they added. The rivers flood out the excess levels of salt, giving it all to the fish. Ever wonder why salted salmon is so popular. Now you know!

Question number five: Why is "The King's Speech" rated "R"?
Answer number five: Probably because a group of people sat around the movie, watched it, and were so horrified they either a) ran out screaming, b) covered their eyes, huddled in a corner, and rocked back and forth or c) went completely insane and started doing the chicken dance in a diaper on the coffee table. IT'S A BAD MOVIE. Get over it.

Question number six: Why is the ocean blue?
Answer number six: Not the robots, I can tell you that. Man, those robots never could handle the water. (It's why the sky is gray when it rains--all the robots go back to the Sahara) No, the ocean is blue because the fish at the bottom of the ocean don't want you to find their treasure realm, so they constantly pump out blue dye so that you can't look straight down to the bottom to see their shiny mounds of awesome.

Question number seven: Why is the Playstation network down?
Answer number seven: I'm actually going to give you a true answer because it's probably more legit than anything I could come up with (although you must admit--I'm doing pretty good) The network is closed because some bored teenage bozo, quite possibly a couch cauliflower (this was no ordinary couch potato) snuck into Sony's vaults of information, and took every other bored teenage bozo's information, along with all of their retirements. So, the Playstation network's taking a legal vacation.

Question number eight: Why is the world ending on May 21?
Answer number eight: What's today? Hold on, let me look above this blog post for you. Oh yeah, June 9! So call me redundant, but again I ask--why is this one of the most Googled questions when the world has obviously NOT ended? Or...maybe it has. Maybe that's where Michael Jackson and Billy Mays went. The rapture has begun (dramatic theme music playing)

Question number nine: Why is the reproductive system important to the body?
Answer number nine: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!! Not only are you a pervert, but a complete and totally brainless buffoon for asking such a ridiculous question. So brainless, even, that it would be a waste to answer that question. So I won't. See if you can figure it out.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, in the famed words of John Green, "Google shows us that people are stupid." If I do not post for a few weeks, don't be alarmed--the robots might have gotten me. Or the fish. Or the Zen masters, or maybe even the crazy chicken-dancing video rater guy. Or maybe even the angry zealots who didn't get rapturized on May 21.

It's good to be loved.


  1. I can't even begin to tell you how hard I laughed while reading this ^_^

  2. So glad you liked it, Jude. Nice to have you on the team :)


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