Here we go.
Question One: Why can't I own a Canadian?
Answer One: Well, if I had to guess, I'd say that probably because we outlawed slavery. Like...a hundred plus years ago. Oh, and the fact that I already own all the Canadians. And they're not for sale. Sorry. They're pretty good, eh? (Yeah, that was bad. Sorry...)
Question Two: Why can't I lose weight?
Answer Two: Because you spend all of your time stressing about the Canadians that you can't own. Stress can be very bad (Not at all like slavery of course) Once you get over your grief at the fact that all Canadians are mine, then you'll lose weight in no time! *Some restrictions may apply. Offer not available in Alaska or Canada. Results not typical. See offer for details*
Question Three: Why can't I sleep?
Answer Three: Again. Stress. I own the Canadians. Get over it! Unless, of course, the mere fact that I own Canadians is giving you nightmares. In that case, you are either a) an abolitionist, therefore we don't care whether or not you can sleep cause you're probably dead! or you're probably b) scared of me, in which case--bravo! But I'm not worried about you because you can't sleep. So...you can't really hurt me.
Question Four: Why can't I hold all these limes?
Answer Four: Because you couldn't buy the Canadians to hold them for you! Oh, I'm just joshing you. The reason you can't hold all the limes is because limes have an extremely high density-to-weight ratio. Basically, limes are like little stars--they exert up to sixteen times their expected gravitational pull. So, holding limes is hard--unless you're Superman. Or the Sprite commercial.
Question Five: Why can't I lyrics?
Answer Five: Oh? Youwan't me to put it in lyrics? If you insist...
There once was a whiny brat,
Who went out and had a spat,
"Why can't I do this? Why can't i do that?"
And then....I got tired of you and ordered my Canadians to kill you. And take all your limes.
Question Six: Why can't I get pregnant?
Answer Six: Stress. Calm down. The limes will handle themselves (unless you tried to put them all in the same bowl...no, no one is that dumb. Were you?) and the Canadians get fair treatment. I only beat them once every hour. Everything's dandy. Relax, see a doctor. Of course, it helps if you get a boyfriend.
Question Seven: Why can't I find a job?
Answer Seven: Probably because a fat, sleep-less, lime-holding zombie is not the best candidate for...pretty much no job. Sorry. Maybe, with a make-up artist, you could be the guy on a lime commercial. Maybe. Send me your resume, I'll hook you up.
Question Eight: Why can't I get a job?
Answer Eight: Well, probably because you can't find a job. You can't have what you can't find. And with intelligence like that, I'm not surprised. I rescind my offer. Send me your resume, and I'll shred it. Or have the Canadians do it.
Question Nine: Why can't stop eating?
Answer Nine: Because you're trying to hold all the limes! Everyone knows holding food just makes you hungrierererer! (Yeah, I don't know why I did that either.) Wait! Hold the phone! (Yes, that means you have to drop the limes. Deal with it.) I thought you said you couldn't lose weight. I think I might have figured out why...
Question Ten: Why can't I cry?
Answer Ten: Contrary to popular belief, limes don't make you cry (they don't keep away vampires, either) So holding limes isn't going to make you cry. Also, I think a combined lack of sleep (slaphappy, not slapsad), food (no food, no can--haha, PUN KING!), and Canadians (no explanation needed, of course) have caused you to lose your ability to leak useless drops of salt water from your eyes. Well, I guess I shouldn't say useless--that's how the zen masters got the ocean salted. (If you don't know what I'm talking about--see my previous Autofill Thursdays)
And there you have it. Limes, Canadians, and stress--avoid them. One will get you into the center of a black hole. One will get you an angry blogger chasing you with an army of maple syrup. And one will get you fat, sleep-less, tear-lessm jobless, and--most of all--a zombie. There. I could be a psychiatrist. I chalkled all your problems up to stress and didn't tell you how to not stress!
So while you begin to stress about not stressing, I will take my leave. Until tomorrow (or possibly Saturday. I have some Canadians to beat. Where's that Sprite?)