Tired

     So tired. School does that. Mind you, it's not that it's exhausting because it's difficult--it's exhausting because it's not. Ugh.
     But this is a blog so I can pretend to be peppy even though I am so not! And it's Thursday! (See, adding ! makes things peppy. See? No, you don't!) Today's question is "What do i..." but I'm not doing too many because I have a debate case to write. But we'll talk about that Tuesday.

Question One: What do I want to eat?
Answer One: Um. Pizza. I just had Cici's, and that was the first thing on my mind. Although I just ate (redundant much?), so thinking about food just makes my stomach hurt.

Question Two: What do I need for a passport?
Answer Two: An ID, some money, and a criminal record. Okay. Maybe not the last one. I just wanted to know if you're paying attention. Generally, records are kinda bad for passports. They don't like to let criminals venture to other countries.

Question Three: What do I want to do with my life.
Answer Three: Don't start a blog. That is the most unfulfilling job in the history of the universe. (Although I must admit--this question is pretty thought-provoking for a high school senior. What do I want to do?)

Question Four: What do I want for my birthday?
Answer Four: A cake. And maybe some ice cream. Oh, and presents. Presents are good. Oh, you mean what kind? Don't ask me. Or Google.

Question Five: What do I need for P90x?
Answer Five: Uh, I don't know what that is. Let me go google it to make sure it's clean. Fitness? Workouts? No wonder you need to work out, if you use the Internet to answer every question you have instead of getting up and walking (waddling) to find the answer! Come on!

But seriously. I don't know. Go find out.

And that's all. Tune in next time (on Tuesday) for an interesting discussion on justice and animal rights. Or at least I hope it'll be a discussion. Join me to find out. See you then.

A Date with Google

Hello, Blogworld! It's Thursday, which means...WHAT? Oh, come on now. You know you know.

Okay, I'll tell you. AUTOFILL THURSDAY!!! Whoo! Mass excitement.

Today's question (Can you guess? Can you guess?) is...What are you? Let's find out.

Question One: What are you waiting for?
Answer One: I'm waiting for my brother to get off of the TV, cause I want it! But hey. Thanks for asking. Now what you waiting for, random person googling nonsense?

Question Two: What are you sinking about?
Answer Two: Uhh...what? What am I sinking about? Is that...singing? Thinking? Or do you really want to know what is pulling me to the bottom of a deep body of water? Because somehow, I don't think that's what you really wanted to know. Is it?

Question Three: What are you doing in Spanish?
Answer Three: Nothing. I'm in Latin. (Again. Yes, I know. I'll complain about it sometime later.) But what you're doing in Spanish, obviously, is Googling things. In English, no less. Muoy Bueno, kid. (I need a Spanish spell-check).

Question Four: What are you passionate about?
Answer Four: Writing. But you obviously knew that. (Unless you're new to this page. In which case, hi! Don't forget to follow me!! :) ) Other than that, I am a little uncomfortable sharing my passions with Google. Shut up, nosy.

Question Five: What are you up to?
Answer Five: Right now, I'm writing a blog post about STUPID THINGS PEOPLE ASK GOOGLE. But after that, I might go eat some dinner. I'm starting to get the rumblin' in the tummy (and sleep deprivation is making me weird. Sorry). The question is...what are you up to? Oh wait, I know. Googling stuff. Real productive.

Question Six: What are you up too?
Answer Six: Oh, so not only are we asking stupid questions on Google, but now we're asking them WRONGLY. Come on. What are you doing, also? That's like asking what you're multitasking in.

Question Seven: What are you doing the rest of your life?
Answer Seven: Wow. So nosy. Well, obviously if Flash turns out well, maybe I'll be a novelist. Otherwise, I'm thinking business or economics. What do you think?

Question Eight: What are you looking for in a relationship partner?
Answer Eight: Um, Google? I know you're nosy and all, but...that's kinda crossing the line. It's not like we're on a date or anything. Yes, that's where  the title came from. I just wanted to make you read the whole thing to figure out why some idiot named his blog post A Date with Google.

Question Nine: What are you allowed to take on an airplane?
Answer Nine: Not a bomb. Or toothpaste, cause that makes a bomb. Or weapons, cause those are like bombs. Or bouncy balls, cause those make people think about bombs. Or screaming babies. Then people want to use the bombs on you.

And that's all! You wanted to know what a date with Google could possibly have to do with Autofill Thursday. I showed you. Now, I'm leaving.

But before I do, I have an important announcement. I am now an intern with the Healthy Respect nonprofit organization, and will be running the Facebook page for the Midland, Texas area! If you are stumbling upon this blog from there...sorry. This is one of the weirder posts. Congrats on sticking with it, though! However, if you are a regular (I say that like people care about this blog) viewer, please join my Facebook page (yes. Even if you do not live in Midland.) I want ideas from all of you, especially my publishing friends and connections. If you want, I can even hook up your teenagers (or you teenagers, in some cases) with your own Facebook page to manage!

So go to Facebook. Right now. Search for Hallway Chat @ Midland High School - Texas. You'll find it. While you're at it, add me (Alex Hoagland) on Facebook. I'd be happy to have you.

See you Tuesday.

Autofill Thursday and Apology Tuesday

     Sorry. I just couldn't bring myself to post on Tuesday. I had a last-week-of-school spurt of laziness. I even had a funny story to tell you, but...I went to sleep instead. Maybe I'll tell it to you next Tuesday.
     So Autofill Thursday. Today's question comes to you via my sister, who is currently dusting to my left while trying to sneakily read over my shoulder. Yes, I stopped typing for awhile. Now she's gone.
      All right. The question is--Why was...?

Question 1: Why was Frenchie disqualified from American Idol?
Answer 1: Well. Let's think. Frenchie. As in French. American Idol. Are you thinking what I'm trying to make you think? Good. I think you get it.

Question 2: Why was Demi Lovato in rehab?
Answer 2: Because she is a PSYCHOPATH! And she lashed out and murdered three people at a concert in Winnepango. But, since she's famous, she can't go to jail. Just a very nice, long sit-down with a psychologist in a straight jacket. Ooh. Dangling modifier. I meant Lovato in the straight jacket. Not the psychologist.

IMPORTANT NOTICE!! -- Everything (for the most part) I say in these articles is false. I put this here in case Demi Lovato (or anyone else) reads this and chooses to sue me for making fun of them. Sorry if anyone actually believes me, but...you can't sue me.

Question 3: Why was the Berlin Wall built?
Answer 3: Because you can't build--wait. My sister's back with her duster. Hold on.
OK. She's gone. Anyway. The Berlin Wall was built for the reason any wall was built--to keep up a ceiling. By the end of World War 2 and beginning of the Cold War, the Germans were convinced that the sky was going to fall on top of them. So they teamed up with the Russians to build a huge wall to hold up the sky. Don't laugh. It worked, didn't it?

Question 4: Why was Selena Gomez in the hospital?
Answer 4: Because she was brave (or stupid) enough to stand up to Demi Lovato on her rampage. Bad idea, Selena. I'll send you a get well soon card.

Question 5: Why was Vicksburg so important to the Confederacy?
Answer 5: For those of you who know nothing about the Confederacy--they were a bunch of hungry kids. Vicksburg had the best grub in the whole South. So once they lost that, they lost all their food. And you can't fight a war without food, right?
And for those of you who DO know about the Confederacy, well--you're probably not reading this anymore.

Question 6: Why was the Great Wall of China built?
Answer 6: Well, you can't hold up a ceiling with only one wall, can you? The chief engineer of the Berlin Wall knew that his wall would do nothing without a companion wall, but at the moment, they were on bad terms with China. He needed the other wall built near the China-Mongolia border, but he couldn't get anywhere near it. So he went back in time thousands of years, drew up a coupld drafts with Hadrian and Stonehenge, then went to work with the Ancient Chinese. Child's play.

Question 7: Why was Andrew Johnson impeached?
Answer 7: Andrew Johnson was in a peach? No, I'm pretty sure that was James, wasn't it? Come on, Google.

Question 8: Why was Megan Fox replaced?
Answer 8: Megan Fox was replaced? With what? A giant robot? An alien? An octopus? Wow, Google. Way to let the cat out of the bag. I just thought she got kicked off of Transformers.

Question 9: Why was the Civil War fought?
Answer 9: Why is any Civil War fought? Because half of the country thought they were right, and the other half...well, they thought they were right, too. Bad combination. Can't have everybody being right, can we?

Question 10: Why was Firefly cancelled?
Answer 10: Firefly's not cancelled. We just didn't show enough respect to their creative genius. So they took their show to a different planet--and now the creators are rulers of that world. If we had let them conquer our planet, maybe we'd know what happened to what's-his-name. (See. Disrepect. No wonder they left)

There you go! I promise this time to post on Tuesday. I have a funny story to tell you (it's been forever since I told one of those). And school starts, so I should lots of things to complain about, too.

So long!

Autofill...Oh Forget It.

I'm too busy for this. I've got stuff to do. So I leave you today with only one question. The question that truly epitomizes the stupidity of Google-users...

Who are you???

Wow. It's not like Google puts their name on their website or anything. Oh wait. They do. They even put funny little doodles up.

Ugh, people are stupid.

Now I'm off to read a book about the stupidity of people and write an essay over it. The first person who guesses the title of it gets a free...well, they get nothing but bragging rights.

Here's a hint--who is John Galt? (Yes, that was actually on the list of Google questions, too).

See you on Tuesday.

Autofill Thursday

Hello again!
     It's time for...me to go eat dinner. Hold on.
     *Twenty minutes later*
     Okay, I'm ready. Today's questions, thanks to Jude Rosenberg, come from "Who can...?" I was going to use your original suggestion of "Who can I" Jude, but all it was was "Who can I run to lyrics" over and over and over and...yeah. So I shortened it.
     I think y'all will like it better. (Yes. I said y'all. Get over it.)

Question One: Who can it be now?
Answer One: It's me! Here with another Autofill Thursday. Seriously, though, I don't know how to answer this question. Oh wait. I know. How about you open the door and FIND OUT! Instead of googling it. Because googling a question like that is just dumb.
   Of course, answering it on a blog is even more dumb...
   Moving on.

Question Two: Who can declare war?
Answer Two: I'd like to declare war on whoever Googled this. Seriously people? Let's see...who can declare war...is it Santa Claus? Muhammed Ali? Jimmer? No. It's countries. That's why wars are fought with countries. Otherwise, they're raids. Revoltions. Massacres. Drive-by shootings. Street fights. Intense games of red rover. Take your pick. But they're not wars.
    Fun Fact, though--did you know the President can actually not declare war? That belongs to Congress. The President just sends the troops out and pretends like it's a war when it really is just a big game of hide-and-seek (hide-and-DEAD! in Osama's case).

Question Three: Who can say where the road goes?
Answer Three: Um, the roadmaker can. The map can. And probably whoever drives along it can...although they might not have anyone to tell by the time they reach the end of it.
   I, however (I always think I, Claudius when I type an I,. Does that happen to anyone else??) cannot tell you. Because I don't know what road you are referring to. Nor, I think, does the Internet. I suggest you just drive.

Question Four: Who can donate blood?
Answer Four: My immediate thoughts are anyone who is a) not a hemophiliac (did I spell that right?) or b) not a  vampire. I'm sure they don't encourage people who freak out at the sight of needles to donate, either. Other than that, if you've got blood in your body that you don't want, give it to someone who does.
    Speaking of doing awesome things for people...my Watering the World seems to be a bust. I'm not giving up on it just yet, though--it would still be really cool to pull off, and it looks good for scholarship money. So every Wednesday, I will be posting about it. Please, if you want to help, let me know.
   Anyway. Back to serious business.

Question Five: Who can join usaa?
Answer Five: Um, I don't know what USAA is. The Universal Sorting of Awesome Aardvarks? The Undertaking of Social Anarchists Annihilation? The Underwear Stinks Association of Awkardness? If it's any of those, I don't really think anyone can join. Except the annihilation one. Feel free to annihilate the social anarchists. (Although I'm not 100% sure what a social anarchist is...someone who doesn't follow the rules of Twitter??)

Question Six: Who can beat Obama?
Answer Six: Google. It appears I may have to eat my shoe. It seems that you have actually impressed me.
    Now, for those of you who support Obama--too bad. I'm gonna rag on him. Most of you are conservative Mormons anyway, so you'll agree. But for those of you who don't, comment below. Let's have a debate :)
    Anyway, for the awesome people who googled this question--I don't know. Several key news sources (namely the Economist and the Washington Post, I think) predicted that the only presidential candidate who could defeat Obama is Mitt Romney. But with incumbency and whatnot...I don't know. Fingers crossed.

Question Seven: Who can marry people?
Answer Seven: Generally, only people can marry people. I think it's kind of against the law to marry a monkey. Or an arrdvark. (Or a social anarchist).
   Just kidding. I got you. The only people who can perform marriage services are religious leaders or community leaders. Mayors. Pastors. Pirate Ship Captains. President of the Underwear Stinks Association of Awkward.
    So talk to them. Especially the USAA--I hear their ceremony is awesome. Especially the reception.

And there you go! Another Autofill Thursday successfully completed. Thanks to Jude for the idea, thanks to Google for the stupid questions, and thanks to you for reading this! See you on Tuesday, because I ain't posting till then.

And, in case you're wondering, my post on Tuesday will actually be about writing--what this blog is supposed to be about.

Finally Filled--Autofill Thursday

After much slacking on my part, I am finally prepared to bring you the next installment of Autofill Thursday. Today's questions, thanks to the suggestion of Heartless Ezi, begin with "Why Can't I...?"

Here we go.

Question One: Why can't I own a Canadian?
Answer One: Well, if I had to guess, I'd say that probably because we outlawed slavery. Like...a hundred plus years ago. Oh, and the fact that I already own all the Canadians. And they're not for sale. Sorry. They're pretty good, eh? (Yeah, that was bad. Sorry...)

Question Two: Why can't I lose weight?
Answer Two: Because you spend all of your time stressing about the Canadians that you can't own. Stress can be very bad (Not at all like slavery of course) Once you get over your grief at the fact that all Canadians are mine, then you'll lose weight in no time! *Some restrictions may apply. Offer not available in Alaska or Canada. Results not typical. See offer for details*

Question Three: Why can't I sleep?
Answer Three: Again. Stress. I own the Canadians. Get over it! Unless, of course, the mere fact that I own Canadians is giving you nightmares. In that case, you are either a) an abolitionist, therefore we don't care whether or not you can sleep cause you're probably dead! or you're probably b) scared of me, in which case--bravo! But I'm not worried about you because you can't sleep. So...you can't really hurt me.

Question Four: Why can't I hold all these limes?
Answer Four: Because you couldn't buy the Canadians to hold them for you! Oh, I'm just joshing you. The reason you can't hold all the limes is because limes have an extremely high density-to-weight ratio. Basically, limes are like little stars--they exert up to sixteen times their expected gravitational pull. So, holding limes is hard--unless you're Superman. Or the Sprite commercial.

Question Five: Why can't I lyrics?
Answer Five: Oh? Youwan't me to put it in lyrics? If you insist...

There once was a whiny brat,

Who went out and had a spat,

"Why can't I do this? Why can't i do that?"

And then....I got tired of you and ordered my Canadians to kill you. And take all your limes.

How's that????

Question Six: Why can't I get pregnant?
Answer Six: Stress. Calm down. The limes will handle themselves (unless you tried to put them all in the same bowl...no, no one is that dumb. Were you?) and the Canadians get fair treatment. I only beat them once every hour. Everything's dandy. Relax, see a doctor. Of course, it helps if you get a boyfriend.

Question Seven: Why can't I find a job?
Answer Seven: Probably because a fat, sleep-less, lime-holding zombie is not the best candidate for...pretty much no job. Sorry. Maybe, with a make-up artist, you could be the guy on a lime commercial. Maybe. Send me your resume, I'll hook you up.

Question Eight: Why can't I get a job?
Answer Eight:  Well, probably because you can't find a job. You can't have what you can't find. And with intelligence like that, I'm not surprised. I rescind my offer. Send me your resume, and I'll shred it. Or have the Canadians do it.

Question Nine: Why can't stop eating?
Answer Nine: Because you're trying to hold all the limes! Everyone knows holding food just makes you hungrierererer! (Yeah, I don't know why I did that either.) Wait! Hold the phone! (Yes, that means you have to drop the limes. Deal with it.) I thought you said you couldn't lose weight. I think I might have figured out why...

Question Ten: Why can't I cry?
Answer Ten: Contrary to popular belief, limes don't make you cry (they don't keep away vampires, either) So holding limes isn't going to make you cry. Also, I think a combined lack of sleep (slaphappy, not slapsad), food (no food, no can--haha, PUN KING!), and Canadians (no explanation needed, of course) have caused you to lose your ability to leak useless drops of salt water from your eyes. Well, I guess I shouldn't say useless--that's how the zen masters got the ocean salted. (If you don't know what I'm talking about--see my previous Autofill Thursdays)

And there you have it. Limes, Canadians, and stress--avoid them. One will get you into the center of a black hole. One will get you an angry blogger chasing you with an army of maple syrup. And one will get you fat, sleep-less, tear-lessm jobless, and--most of all--a zombie. There. I could be a psychiatrist. I chalkled all your problems up to stress and didn't tell you how to not stress!

So while you begin to stress about not stressing, I will take my leave. Until tomorrow (or possibly Saturday. I have some Canadians to beat. Where's that Sprite?)

Another Autofill

     After my grueling tour de chateu (if you want to know what I mean, check my Twitter--and follow me), I am finally ready to complete the fourth (or fifth?) installment of AUTOFILL THURSDAY! Whoo *mass excitement*! Today we start with the stem "When will...?" mostly because I'm running out of Google questions to ask and no one is giving me any real ones. But that's okay, because we have fun with this!

Question 1: When will psn be back online?
Answer 1: Interesting that you should ask. A few weeks back, I actually answered the question "Why is the
Playstation network down?" (To read the true answer to that question, as well as many more hilarious/false answers to dumb questions, click here) Now the great answer to this question...never. Playstation network is being completely redesigned, hyped up with super security. It will be probably a long time before it even comes back online, and it will almost definitely be completely different. Next question.

Question 2: When will it rain in west Texas?
Answer 2: This may be only the second most asked question on Google, but it is the top question in West Texas. Literally, we each ask this--out loud or to ourselves--at least five times a day. It hasn't rained here (and by rained, I mean more than an inch) in over 150 days. No joke--a website told me (can't find it now, or I'd link to it) that in the time since it's rained here last, a newborn would have begun to crawl and say its first words. So the answer to the question--it better be soon, or I'm leaving. But the real answer--probably never. Start packing.

Question 3: When will the world end?
Answer 3: It's ending right now! Look out your window! Oh no! RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just kidding. I'd suggest you stop freaking out about this, because it's very likely that a) it won't happen for billions of years scientifically or b) religion-wise, it's going to be when you least expect it. So calm down.

Question 4: When will TAKS scores be up?
Answer 4: Um, well, they already are. In fact, mine are sitting right next to me. However, AP scores...are a different story. Those come out tomorrow, and I'm sort of freaking out. I will probably be posting about the merits/pitfalls of standardized testing tomorrow, depending on how the scores go.

Question 5: When will my life begin?
Answer 5: Well, I hate to break this to you, but...it already has. And if you're old enough to Google the pointless question listed above, then you've already wasted a good chunk of your life thinking that you're not alive yet. Sorry! I'd reccommend you go on a vacation--start living that life. Man, I wish I could do that.

     And that's all for AUTOFILL THURSDAY! Sorry, there weren't very many questions--#1 and #2 were asked in different ways a total of five times. And I'm running out of different questions/answers to get from Google. Maybe next week, I'll do a Google Challenge or something. We'll see. If this wasn't funny enough for you, well...sorry. Give me something to answer, or some crazy Google Challenge you want me to do. Everybody loves bloggers making themselves look stupid over the Internet, right?

Autofill Thursday #3

Before I begin the third installment of what has become the most popular part of a blog that was meant for nothing of the sort, may I apologize again for missing last Thursday. I was off arguing with people over Democratic Intervention (that is linked for all the people who haven't seen my post about my most recent debate topic--read it and join the conversation!)

That said, let's begin. Today's Autofills stem from the question "What is the...?"

Question One: What is the Illuminati?
Answer One: If you want the real answer, go read Angels and Demons by...someone who I can't remember (and I can't Google it because my Google is filled with the questions of stupid people) DAN BROWN! That's who it is. Anyway, the Illuminati are a bunch of Italian creepsters--no, not the mafia, although you can see the resemblance--who go around terrorizing people in the name of archaic religion/satanism. I would reccommend that you avoid them, unless you're a satanist. In which case, please avoid my blog. Thanks!

Question Two: What is the significance of yellow stars?
Answer Two: When two stars love each other very much...they create a yellow star. The coloration of these extremely rare stars is from burning of excess potassium (it's why bananas are yellow, too). As to the significance, well...yellow stars are shown to those who need to stop watching the sky for signs of what to do. If you see a yellow star, its telling you to get off your toosh and LIVE, not watch a ball of potassium.

Question Three: What is the bill of rights?
Answer Three: Just for the sake of my own sanity, I'm going to assume that you're asking because you're testing the knowledge of Google, not because you are acutally this dumb. The bill of rights, as everyone knows, is the chief duck, who presides over the duck community. His bill is always right, and his word is law (well, actually it's 'only a bill')

Question Four: What is the function of RNA?
Answer Four: RNA is the quiet force driving color stability in the human body. Ever wonder why eating a banana doesn't make you look that much more yellow? That would be RNA--the Religiously Neutralizing Agent, which neutralizes all the color that flows into your body on a daily basis. Without RNA, we'd probably all be yellow stars.

Question Five: What is the difference between empathy and sympathy?
Answer Five: Okay never mind. Sidenote One: Why are these the top Googled questions? THESE ARE DUMB!
Real Answer Five: How could anyone get these confused? Sympathy is a straightforward emotion, demonstrated by "Oh, you sprained your ankle? How sad." Empathy, however, is much more complex. It would be more along the lines of "Oh, you sprained your ankle. Well SUCK IT UP!" You know, like empty. Empathy. Complete opposites.

Question Six: What is the name of Elvis Presley Home?
Answer Six: Well, that's not even a legitimate question, since Elvis Presley Home is not any thing that I am familiar with. If you are asking the name of Elvis Presley's home, the answer is Robert. But you might want to ask the Bill of Rights, just to make sure.

Question Seven: What is the mariana trench?
Answer Seven: Only the most delicious Italian dessert ever made! Deep-fried trenches covered in moist mariana topping, lightly sprinkled with decadent chocolate shavings and strawberrry drizzle. So good--available for a limited time at your local retailers.

Question Eight: What is the photoelectric effect?
Answer Eight: The photoelectric effect is the name of the most infamous camera in recorded history. First sighted in Delhi circa. 100 BC, this was the first attempt at scrapbooking. Of course, at this point in time Indians weren't widely known for their prowess as "Tech Support", and the Photoelectric Effect was a terrible failure. Taking a picture resulted in random bolts of lightning, which instantly killed the photogenic barbarians and any ducks in a fifty mile vicinity. Over the years, many have tried and failed to destroy the camera, which was last seen last month in Seoul. Attempts include: dropping it into the flames of Mordor (it's flame-retardant), stabbing it with a basilisk tooth (it's not a Horcrux), and being poisoned with nightlock (No, Claudius Templesmith didn't come to its rescue, but it is kind of hard to poison a camera) So next time your friends want a picture for Facebook of you doing something stupid, be warned. And stay away from ducks--except the Bill of Rights.

Question Nine: What is the speed of sound?
Answer Nine: 96,000,387,651,238,001 1/2 .7 mph (margaritas past hippopotamuses)

Now that that is out of the way, the LAST QUESTION!

Question Ten: What is the cloud?
Answer Ten: What is the cloud??? Umm, if we're talking a cloud, like puffy white stuff, look at last week's post. However, if by some miracle you actually intended to Google the insane question of "what is the cloud?" I suppose it's time we told you. The C.L.O.U.D. machine, or Closely Loosed Or Undoubtedly Dire Machine is the alien mothership. It currently hovers over Midland, Texas, U.S.A., and is the reason it never rains there (even while it floods a few miles north in the Midwest--or a couple thousand miles east/west in China). It's chief captain, MOGO--who happens to resemble a blue cupe about four and a half feet on each side--enjoys playing local pranks on high school English teachers while planning for the demise of the human race. Oh, and he has access to Google, believe it or not. I'd be careful what exactly you Google, if you value your life...or clothes.

That's all folks! Come back next week for more stupid questions, with even stupider (more stupid?) answers!

(Serious) Sidenote Two: The answer to the last question is not mine, but was actually told to us exactly like that by my semi-permanent AP English Language sub, Mrs. Sexton. She wore purple every day, and always had a new story about MOGO when we arrived to class. She recently passed away of a heart attack, so this is my Internet shout-out for one of the most entertaining high school teachers I have ever had. R.I.P. Mrs. Sexton.

With that having been said (ugh--ever since Latin I hate using perfect passive participles), leave your ideas for next week's installment in the comments below. If you have a question you want answered, please let me know, and I will give you a real answer (or a fake one, if you like them that much)

Until then...chao.

Autofill Thursday #DOS!

So, after having procrastinated for hours on end (no literally, hours--check the blogosphere. I must have posted like six hundred comments in the hopes of finding more followers.) it is finally time for another installment of Autofill Thursday. Today's questions come from "Why is the...?" Bet you can't guess the first one ;)

Question number one: Why is the sky blue? (Yep, told you you couldn't guess it.)
Answer number one: There's a lot of different ways I could go with this. I could tell you the standard answer--chemicals and light and refractions and blllllllllluuuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhh. See, you fell asleep already. Which is kind of the idea. Or, I could tell you the truth, as inconvenient as it may be. The blue sky is made of tiny robots that infiltrate your mind and control your every thought. The robots aren't quite finished yet, though, and they make the sky appear blue. So...try not to breathe too deeply.

Question number two: Why is the ocean salty?
Answer number two: Uhh...because there's salt in it? That's probably the wrong question. The question you probably wanted was why is there salt in the ocean. And if that's the question you wanted to ask, the answer is this: salt makes everything last longer. Long ago, zen masters realized that they wanted water to last a long time (who wouldn't?) and so they put salt in the ocean. You laugh, but it's still here, isn't it?

Question number three: Why is the surface of Venus so hot?
Answer number three: Why is the surface of Earth so cold? No, I have a better question for you--why in the world (or universe, I guess) is this the third most question asked on Google beginning with "why is the...?" NOBODY CARES ABOUT VENUS! Why should we worry about why it's hot? But to answer your question, the same reason the sky is blue. Robots. They were an earlier prototype, so they overheated quickly. Guess we're all glad we decided to test them on Venus first.

Question number four: Why is the Mississippi River flooding?
Answer number four: Too much salt. The Zen masters might have misjudged just a tiny bit in the amount of preservatives they added. The rivers flood out the excess levels of salt, giving it all to the fish. Ever wonder why salted salmon is so popular. Now you know!

Question number five: Why is "The King's Speech" rated "R"?
Answer number five: Probably because a group of people sat around the movie, watched it, and were so horrified they either a) ran out screaming, b) covered their eyes, huddled in a corner, and rocked back and forth or c) went completely insane and started doing the chicken dance in a diaper on the coffee table. IT'S A BAD MOVIE. Get over it.

Question number six: Why is the ocean blue?
Answer number six: Not the robots, I can tell you that. Man, those robots never could handle the water. (It's why the sky is gray when it rains--all the robots go back to the Sahara) No, the ocean is blue because the fish at the bottom of the ocean don't want you to find their treasure realm, so they constantly pump out blue dye so that you can't look straight down to the bottom to see their shiny mounds of awesome.

Question number seven: Why is the Playstation network down?
Answer number seven: I'm actually going to give you a true answer because it's probably more legit than anything I could come up with (although you must admit--I'm doing pretty good) The network is closed because some bored teenage bozo, quite possibly a couch cauliflower (this was no ordinary couch potato) snuck into Sony's vaults of information, and took every other bored teenage bozo's information, along with all of their retirements. So, the Playstation network's taking a legal vacation.

Question number eight: Why is the world ending on May 21?
Answer number eight: What's today? Hold on, let me look above this blog post for you. Oh yeah, June 9! So call me redundant, but again I ask--why is this one of the most Googled questions when the world has obviously NOT ended? Or...maybe it has. Maybe that's where Michael Jackson and Billy Mays went. The rapture has begun (dramatic theme music playing)

Question number nine: Why is the reproductive system important to the body?
Answer number nine: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!! Not only are you a pervert, but a complete and totally brainless buffoon for asking such a ridiculous question. So brainless, even, that it would be a waste to answer that question. So I won't. See if you can figure it out.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, in the famed words of John Green, "Google shows us that people are stupid." If I do not post for a few weeks, don't be alarmed--the robots might have gotten me. Or the fish. Or the Zen masters, or maybe even the crazy chicken-dancing video rater guy. Or maybe even the angry zealots who didn't get rapturized on May 21.

It's good to be loved.

Google Autofill!

It's time for Google Auto-fill, where I answer questions from Google beginning with "How should I...?" For those of you reading this wondering, "Did this loser steal this from John Green and Nerdfighteria?", the answer is yes. But, due to the high improbability of him ever coming across this blog, I don't really care. For those of you who know nothing of nerdfighteria...I highly recommend a voyage through the Youtube channels (punny, I know).

All right, here we go. Question number one: How should I know lyrics?
Answer number one: Well, aside from the obvious answer, which is listen to the songs, dummy, I really don't know what to tell you. Perhaps you should pay attention to the lyrics, instead of focusing on bouncing up and down or doing totally unattractive dance moves at parties. Or, even better, instead of googling how to know lyrics, maybe you should google the lyrics instead. Because knowing how to know lyrics doesn't actually mean you know lyrics.

Question number two: How should I cut my hair?
Answer number two: This actually happens to be questions two, three, four, six, seven, and ten, all worded the same. How should you cut your hair? The answer--with scissors! Or maybe a razor, if we're discussing facial hair. But no, really, just cut it like you want it. I don't reccomend wearing it down to your ankles, but hey, it's like Burger King. "Have it your way."

Question number three: How should I invest my money?
Answer number three: Well, seeing as I don't take economics for another year, and have no investable money to speak of, I'm not particularly qualified to answer this question. Still, I'd have to say in a bank. With smart people taking care of it. Doing it yourself, unless you're an economics guru or just plain smart...will lead to ruin. So, the simple answer is trust somebody smarter than you to make you wealthier than you're wildest dreams. And, if it doesn't work, then you get to fire somebody and still feel good about yourself.

Question number four: How should I dress?
Answer number four: I don't reccommend cross-dressing. That is kind of a big no no. Other than that, I would avoid turtlenecks, argyle socks, and big glasses. Unless you're an accountant or a male librarian (or a cross-dressing female librarian) But definately don't spend time Googling how to dress before you decide, partially because that's dumb to decide how to dress in a place where no clothes exist (or anything else for that matter) and partially because I really didn't want the mental image of a person sitting at their computer naked.

Question number five: How should I fill out my w4?
Answer number five: Honestly. Otherwise, the crazy tax ninjas will descend upon the straw structure you call a house and leave you huddling in the middle of a vast field, with no clothes or haircutters or lyrics to speak of. Don't lie to those people. The nose knows, y'know? They'll get you faster than you can shout "w4!"

And that's it for Google Autofill (if only people didn't have to stress about their hair five different ways--then we could've had more questions!) I really enjoy doing this, so I think I'll make it a weekly thing. Autofill Thursdays--that has a nice ring. If you have any questions I should answer, leave them in the comments below. I'll try to give you a straight answer (sorry to any legit Googlers that burst in on this mockery of information--read on in peace), but no promises.

Until next Thursday, then!