All right. Tuesday. And I'm posting.
I'm what??
Yes. I am posting. It's not going to be long--I have an essay to write, a collage to finish, and a season finale to watch (for a TV show that I won't divulge, because you'll tell me the ending. Rotten spoilers). So I come bearing funny stories.
BEFORE I CONTINUE. It is important for you to understand that while I am a senior at Midland High School, I take no responsibility for this. I was not in on the decision making process. I did not take part in the activities mentioned below. And I did not know about them until they were done. Sorry. You can't arrest me. By all means, though, arrest the idiots responsible for this.
So at my high school (name withheld for the creepers), it is traditional to perform a prank as the senior class. Sounds fun, except that for the last few years, the pranks have trended into more...illegal waters. Two years ago it was filling trash cans with cement. The year before that involved water balloons, fake grass, and a torch. And this year...well, this year involved a jungle.
That's our theme for the school year--WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE!!! Yep. It's lame. But anyway. So the first day of school, there was the traiditional senior rally in the senior lot before school started, which involved a large amounts of bananas (I like bananas--they're good. Any takers on what show I'm watching now??) and more water balloons. Apparently there was to be an annoying high school senior spewing profanity over a truck's megaphone system, but thankfully someone caught him in time.
But then. Lunchtime rolled around. And suddenly, there were crickets. Everywhere. In the halls. In the classrooms. A couple in the parking lot. Thanks to the idiots that our high school is about to spit out into the world. They had bought 2,000 crickets and set them loose inside the school.
Really?
Someone put on Facebook (wish I could tell you who. This is so funny.) that just for cleverness sake, they should have bought 12 more. (For those staring at this screen in confusion, 2000 + 12 = 2012. This is the year of our graduating class.) Isn't that GENIUS?? Unfortunately, all of the people planning the activity are the idiots and imbeciles. So no cleverness was involved.
Today (the second day of school) involved animal food strewn over the parking lot. I'm surprised my classes aren't empty from those in DAEP. Apparently, there are rumors of buying 19 pigs, labeling them 1 to 20, and setting them loose in the school. That way, when the pigs are rounded up, the APs think one is missing.
I have to say. I'm a little jealous of that idea. That's pretty smart.
Showing posts with label It's a Funny Story.... Show all posts
Showing posts with label It's a Funny Story.... Show all posts
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
The Heart Attack Grill
The first night of the tournament, a huge street party was held in honor of all of us wonderful debaters. Walking by a restaurant on the corner of said street party, Arjun said, "Hey, my brother went there. He said it was awesome."
So, when eating time rolled around, we decided to trust Arjun's brother. He is, after all, an Indian (no racism, I promise. It's a debate joke--we all love Indians.) So we ventured inside the Heart Attack Grill.
This restaurant makes its profits on the premise that if you eat there every day for a year, you are guaranteed to have a heart attack. "Patients" (or guests) who weigh over 350 pounds eat free. They say trying to control your weight is hopeless, so you should just give up!
As we walked in, we were informed that we had to wear patient hospital gowns before we could enter. The waiters/waitresses were dressed up like doctors/nurses. With slight doubt beginning to blossom in our stomachs, we took our seats.
Then, we got the menu. Now, there are exactly five things on this menu. 1) a glass bottle of Coca Cola--the only drink available. 2) candy cigarettes--filtered and unfiltered. 3) French Fries--fried in lard. 4) a Buttercreamshake--made of pure cream (vanilla or chocolate) 5) a hamburger (single, double, triple, or quadruple)--with only tomatoes, onions, and bacon with the beef patty (and a quadruple comes with 20 slices of bacon)
At this point, we began to laugh. A milkshake made of cream? Candy cigaretts? This place was a joke. No way they were serious about this stuff. So I ordered a milkshake, and everyone else ordered a hamburger with fries and a Coke--or milkshakes, for some.
Then, the food came. My delicious chocolate milkshake had--floating on top--a square of butter. A square of butter? Okay, that was weird, but surely the rest of the milkshake would be normal, right? WRONG. One drink convinced me that this was something to be generously poured on a waffle, not to be treated as a glass of dessert drink. I made it through half of the sick concotion before I could simply take no more. We had been deceived.
Even a week after that place, I feel like my heart has to pump a little harder to keep my blood moving. Like I have to scrub extra hard to get the grease and nasty out of my system. Like I'm about to have a heart attack. So I guess, in a way, the Heart Attack Grill succeeded--but ew. If you're ever in Dallas, do NOT go to the Heart Attack Grill. Unless you weigh over 350 pounds.
What's the worst place you've ever eaten? I want to hear about it!
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Something Interesting
So I stumbled across something interesting waiting for my computer to load, and I thought that I would share it with you. I promise I was working. Promise. Cross my heart and blah blah blah.
To be honest, I thought long and hard about sharing this with you. I asked for a lively discussion about American democracy, actually hoping that I'd get to know my readers a little better. So far, I have...zero comments. So after you read my interesting little story, go down and read the next post. AND LEAVE A COMMENT. I seriously want to know your position. Please? It would mean a lot to your fellow debater/novelist.
All right, interesting story. So I was reading the book The Geography of Thought, by Richard E. Nisbett. Yes, it's a boring psychological non-fiction book, but it is the most interesting book I have ever read. (Just as a sidenote--I stole it from my teacher's bookshelf after she was arrested and incarcerated for selling drugs under the pretense of getting a CAT scan. Weird, right?) Anyway, this book deals with why Westerners (for those less smart ones reading this, that does not mean cowboys. It means us, Americans and Europeans, like the 16 GERMANY PEOPLE WHO HAVE SEEN THIS BLOG! *excited wave*) and Easterners (Asians, and Indians, etc.) think differently.
Have you noticed I'm super distracted today?
Anyway, he quotes a section from Celestial Emporium of Benevolent Knowledge, a really old Chinese book about being smart. In it is the first recorded way of classifying animals. And it is the singularly most interesting piece of information that I have ever seen, so I'll share it with you. Behold, the benevolent classifications of Chinese animals (Chinesmals?)
Sorry for the outburst. I'm going back to work now. Promise.
P.S. Don't forget to weigh in on America's intervention on the article below. What's your opinion?
To be honest, I thought long and hard about sharing this with you. I asked for a lively discussion about American democracy, actually hoping that I'd get to know my readers a little better. So far, I have...zero comments. So after you read my interesting little story, go down and read the next post. AND LEAVE A COMMENT. I seriously want to know your position. Please? It would mean a lot to your fellow debater/novelist.
All right, interesting story. So I was reading the book The Geography of Thought, by Richard E. Nisbett. Yes, it's a boring psychological non-fiction book, but it is the most interesting book I have ever read. (Just as a sidenote--I stole it from my teacher's bookshelf after she was arrested and incarcerated for selling drugs under the pretense of getting a CAT scan. Weird, right?) Anyway, this book deals with why Westerners (for those less smart ones reading this, that does not mean cowboys. It means us, Americans and Europeans, like the 16 GERMANY PEOPLE WHO HAVE SEEN THIS BLOG! *excited wave*) and Easterners (Asians, and Indians, etc.) think differently.
Have you noticed I'm super distracted today?
Anyway, he quotes a section from Celestial Emporium of Benevolent Knowledge, a really old Chinese book about being smart. In it is the first recorded way of classifying animals. And it is the singularly most interesting piece of information that I have ever seen, so I'll share it with you. Behold, the benevolent classifications of Chinese animals (Chinesmals?)
- those that belong to the Emperor (simple enough)
- embalmbed ones (don't want them just running amok, I suppose)
- those that are trained (goody two-shoes...or four-shoes)
- suckling pigs (whiny infants, I guess)
- mermaids (ummm.....what?)
- fabulous ones (no comment)
- stray dogs (hoboes?)
- those that are included in this classification (wow, how straightforward)
- those that tremble as if they were mad (the crazies)
- those drawn with a very fine camel's hair brush (again...what?)
- others (so insightful)
- those that have just broken a flower vase (the Bad Boys)
- those resemble flies at a distance (WHAT?)
Sorry for the outburst. I'm going back to work now. Promise.
P.S. Don't forget to weigh in on America's intervention on the article below. What's your opinion?
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Last Bite Syndrome
Now, just to let you know, I have never been a food person. I don't enjoy eating anything, no matter what it is. It's just food. I'm extremely likely (especially when I'm writing) to view it as a distraction, and to completely skip it when I'm "in the zone."
My parents have always given me a hard time for this. "The Two Bite Syndrome," they called it. Well, I was bored and procrastinating this morning, and what better thing to do when you're procrastinating is there than to Google random things? Well, the Two Bite Syndrome EXISTS!!! They call it the Last Bite Syndrome (either I have it bad, or that is a BIG last bite) but people actually have it. And, scientists even tell you that it's a good thing. According to the Chicago Tribune's Health Section:
"People who do not finish an entire meal, but rather eat until full, are more likely to maintain stability when it comes to both weight and metabolism levels. Those who push to eat until the plate is clear risk obesity, heart problems, and disease."
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not crazy (just a little unwell). And yes, for those of you curious, Autofill Thursday will be coming when more people are awake. For now, though, you can laugh at my gloating. Try it next time--don't finish the last chip. See how good it feels.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Austinian Adventures
So, I lied about this trip being completely worthless. After a mere fifteen minutes of being in the Weird City, the approximate time it took us to order and eat our dinner (we eat at the speed of light), we decided to find an adventure. And adventure we found.
It started with an innocent trip to Kohl's...five minutes before close. After some very 007 maneuvers and a few close calls with employees, we managed to make it a whole minute after close before being escorted out. Just to be clear, though, it wasn't my fault. It was Hannah's :)
By this point, all the other stores in the strip mall were closed. So we were left wandering the plaza in the dark looking for entertainment. We came across a large, fenced off field with a drainage ditch leading into it, and well...lets just say we got curious. After several close encounters of the fourth kind (namely, hoboes), we left to find the buses on time, and to save our less-poor-than-average skins.
En route to the buses, we passed a closed bank. And what self-respecting teenager walks by a closed bank without robbing it? Needless to say, the ATM only gave us an empty envelope, but still. We're big and bad. And what adventure would be complete without adventures in the shopping cart? Right in front of the band directors, jealous band kids, and the demon orchestra director, we spun each other around in shopping carts and almost died. It was great.
Now, I'm sitting in a hotel room listening to a fish-eyed kid mess with the breaker box (I've typed this three times) and my roommate (also the "coolest" kid in band--after I quit, of course) reading over my shoulder asking, "Does anybody read this????"
Unfortunately for us both, and the empty chambers of cyber-space, the answer is...no.
But I write it anyway. Maybe someday....
It started with an innocent trip to Kohl's...five minutes before close. After some very 007 maneuvers and a few close calls with employees, we managed to make it a whole minute after close before being escorted out. Just to be clear, though, it wasn't my fault. It was Hannah's :)
By this point, all the other stores in the strip mall were closed. So we were left wandering the plaza in the dark looking for entertainment. We came across a large, fenced off field with a drainage ditch leading into it, and well...lets just say we got curious. After several close encounters of the fourth kind (namely, hoboes), we left to find the buses on time, and to save our less-poor-than-average skins.
En route to the buses, we passed a closed bank. And what self-respecting teenager walks by a closed bank without robbing it? Needless to say, the ATM only gave us an empty envelope, but still. We're big and bad. And what adventure would be complete without adventures in the shopping cart? Right in front of the band directors, jealous band kids, and the demon orchestra director, we spun each other around in shopping carts and almost died. It was great.
Now, I'm sitting in a hotel room listening to a fish-eyed kid mess with the breaker box (I've typed this three times) and my roommate (also the "coolest" kid in band--after I quit, of course) reading over my shoulder asking, "Does anybody read this????"
Unfortunately for us both, and the empty chambers of cyber-space, the answer is...no.
But I write it anyway. Maybe someday....
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Paramedic Panic
Sitting in an airport really gets boring quickly. I am tired, FREEZING, and my flight is delayed. Ugh. However, it's not like I'm in any rush to get home for my three back-to-back AP tests, student elections, and submission/agent trackdown.
So what better thing to do while sitting in Albequerque (is that spelled right) with nothing to do than to blog? Especially when I just had the most eventful flight short of LOST.
I'm sitting in my seat, and right next to me some lady opens the overhead compartment. Some secretively wrapped package (my first thought was admittedly terrorist, but it turned out to be a photo) fell out of the compartment and hit another old lady on the head. This mortally wounded woman, like any sensible person, began to scream, "MY HEAD IS BLEEDING!!" Why is it that old people and toddlers are capable of screaming louder than many adults/teenagers?
Flight attendants flock to the lady, who is still whimpering loudly. The man next to her begins to inspect the wound, grab bandages from his bag, and dress it. Not thirty seconds after this, the flight attendants standing right next to the obvious doctor shout, "Is there medical personell aboard?" He just stares at them for a minute until they ask the obvious question. "Are you a doctor, sir?"
He goes back to actually doing something about the old lady, who turns out merely to have a scratch. That of course, doesn't stop us from landing amidst fire trucks and ambulances with sirens blaring, and having the poor old lady escorted by a team of highly-trained paramedics (they sure knew how to wield that Band-aid) while we watched.
And now, as I sit in a deserted airport gate typing thsi all too entertaining story and wishing desperately to SLEEP, I can't help but wish for something more exciting to happen. I mean, really? If that poor old lady's escapade was the highlight of my day, my life is boring.
And that, ladies and gentleman, is why I need to publish a novel.
So what better thing to do while sitting in Albequerque (is that spelled right) with nothing to do than to blog? Especially when I just had the most eventful flight short of LOST.
I'm sitting in my seat, and right next to me some lady opens the overhead compartment. Some secretively wrapped package (my first thought was admittedly terrorist, but it turned out to be a photo) fell out of the compartment and hit another old lady on the head. This mortally wounded woman, like any sensible person, began to scream, "MY HEAD IS BLEEDING!!" Why is it that old people and toddlers are capable of screaming louder than many adults/teenagers?
Flight attendants flock to the lady, who is still whimpering loudly. The man next to her begins to inspect the wound, grab bandages from his bag, and dress it. Not thirty seconds after this, the flight attendants standing right next to the obvious doctor shout, "Is there medical personell aboard?" He just stares at them for a minute until they ask the obvious question. "Are you a doctor, sir?"
He goes back to actually doing something about the old lady, who turns out merely to have a scratch. That of course, doesn't stop us from landing amidst fire trucks and ambulances with sirens blaring, and having the poor old lady escorted by a team of highly-trained paramedics (they sure knew how to wield that Band-aid) while we watched.
And now, as I sit in a deserted airport gate typing thsi all too entertaining story and wishing desperately to SLEEP, I can't help but wish for something more exciting to happen. I mean, really? If that poor old lady's escapade was the highlight of my day, my life is boring.
And that, ladies and gentleman, is why I need to publish a novel.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
The Beginning
To all my (soon-to-be) devoted fans, followers, and fanatics,
Welcome to the first edition of chaotic gibberish. I'm Alex Hoagland, who will be posting as sporadically as I possibly can. I'm a very busy kid, what with writing, band, writing, schoolwork, writing, and debate. But I figure that with all that business, I should be able to find something interesting to post. So check back often, don't get your hopes too high, and generally bear with me.
So today. Right now, I am sitting in a rental cabin in Ruidoso, New Mexico, watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas on Thanksgiving. Oh, I know--what a hypocrite. What can I say? I love Christmas :) I give Thanksgiving its dues--all of three hours on a hiking trail, followed by a delicious meal of Tombstone Pizza (we're not big on the turkey thing) and then...its all about CHRISTMAS!
But, as this blog is more about my writing than anything, and I hope you follow it for that (instead of my random, non-turkey eating ways) I suppose we ought to get down to business. I've been writing for as long as I can remember, and am currently in the editing process of a 70,000 word novel, Woven. This is a YA novel about such wonderful things as the end of the world, love, government kidnappings, and the philosophy of freedom vs. determinism. Yes, yes, philosophy--that's what you get when you have a debater/LOST fanatic write a novel. I'm planning on sending it off to literary agents ASAP, which as of right now, seems to be looking like January. I am considering sending out some ARC's before that, so if you'd be interested (and as long as you're not a creeper) let me know.
Until then, happy Thanksgiving...and MERRY CHRISTMAS!
And so it begins.
Welcome to the first edition of chaotic gibberish. I'm Alex Hoagland, who will be posting as sporadically as I possibly can. I'm a very busy kid, what with writing, band, writing, schoolwork, writing, and debate. But I figure that with all that business, I should be able to find something interesting to post. So check back often, don't get your hopes too high, and generally bear with me.
So today. Right now, I am sitting in a rental cabin in Ruidoso, New Mexico, watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas on Thanksgiving. Oh, I know--what a hypocrite. What can I say? I love Christmas :) I give Thanksgiving its dues--all of three hours on a hiking trail, followed by a delicious meal of Tombstone Pizza (we're not big on the turkey thing) and then...its all about CHRISTMAS!
But, as this blog is more about my writing than anything, and I hope you follow it for that (instead of my random, non-turkey eating ways) I suppose we ought to get down to business. I've been writing for as long as I can remember, and am currently in the editing process of a 70,000 word novel, Woven. This is a YA novel about such wonderful things as the end of the world, love, government kidnappings, and the philosophy of freedom vs. determinism. Yes, yes, philosophy--that's what you get when you have a debater/LOST fanatic write a novel. I'm planning on sending it off to literary agents ASAP, which as of right now, seems to be looking like January. I am considering sending out some ARC's before that, so if you'd be interested (and as long as you're not a creeper) let me know.
Until then, happy Thanksgiving...and MERRY CHRISTMAS!
And so it begins.
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